Today we are tired

It seems lately like I'm doing ok. I mean, i'm not feeling as bad as I did a few months ago.. I actually started going out again, and doing things. I'm meeting new people, I'm dancing... like I used to do.. I'm doing what I want and trying to not leting people's eyes harm me. A few months ago I was close to being the 24 hours of they day locked up inside crying. It made me scared, I read somewhere about a phobia that triggered on social enviroments and I could have swored it was me. But yesterday I danced.. i danced with lots of people around, and it felt good again. It felt like it did when i was 14 and my friends and I pushed everyone around, made a circle and danced like crazy girls.. uncoordinated or sexy or just jumping and laughing..

The only bad part is.. that i have no one to share it with. I have my friends, but i can't go to them and tell them "guess what we did yesterday?" ... unless they suffered from alzheimer..wich I don't think they do. Luckyly.

I have Iza, but he is tired sometimes and... can't remember so... when he can't listen to me for wichever reason i'll write it here.

So here it is.. this is the purpose of this blog.. to be sorprised for me, scared, or angry or.. a lot of things i want someone to feel for me. Since i don't always have someone to do that this is going to be the place for it. My blog.

Dear Blog (dear??):

I've been working again with photoshop, I'm geting a bit better at it... I wanted to make a new avy for my siggy at PASS so i asked Machteld to let me use a pic of her eyes. She said "you can use whatever you want of mine, we are one". That made me smile so much, she also said "make something pretty". Now that's where the problems came, cause i don't think i can do pretty yet. Aftera a lot of trials..this was the result:

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Then I post it at PASS and the girls liked it so much that 2 of them asked me to do something like that to their pics. yay :)

Today I also went to the movies and to have lunch with the family cause it's my mom's birthday.. It was a nice afternoon.

After that I waited for Iza, we hadn't spoken to each other in a while.. close to 2 days. So, naturally, I really missed him like crazy. He came online at around..erm..close to 1 am my time i think, perhaps a bit sooner. But he was tired.. so i couldn't really tell him about the party, and how happy I had felt to be able to do the things I used to do again. Pluss 2 friends that live really far away came just for me. I was so touched.. the both had at leas 2 hours by bus just to come to the party, one of them even had to walk for half an hour to get here after the 2 hours by bus. All to be in a party filled with people they don't know.

Somehow, thought, we (my baby and me) ended up having an ugly conversation. Ifelt like he didn't care.. and i know he does. Sometimes I'm so tired to be the one having to be ok, trying to make the other cheer up. I love the trust he gives me when he lets me know his things, and when he shares or lets me be there for him when he cries.. but I want that as well... I want the same. I'm not that strong. And to have someone tell you "yes you are" doesn't help much. Cause aftera all, deep inside, I still feel weak and wanting a prince to come rescue me, to keep me under his arms not leting anyone and anything harm me. I want to be that prince (princess for me).. for my Isa, i want to hold him and make sure nothing makes him sad. But when will it be me the one geting protected? When will it be me the one taken care off..

Anyway, he ended up with the idea that I don't want to be with him. Wich is so stupid.. he just can't realize that I want him to be that prince for me. He can't see that i want him more than anything in the world? He can't.. cause most the times he is tired or sad.

It's 4 minutes till 2 am. And i get up at 6:30 am for class. So this is it for my day.

I just can't believe i cried through the whole conversation again, that I cried through this whole post.. and he thinks i want him away. When it couldn't be furthest from the truth. I love my Iza (Isa, zaya, sweety, hunny, gorgeous,GK, all of him) and I want him to be with me... till I'm an old lady with grey hair and a cane..