The day to day

So I'm confused

2004-12-09T04:01:00.000-03:00

I really am..

Ummm , yeah, so, people when they look at me they go (if they HAVE to compliment sth on me) WOW those eyes....

my fiance likes "your hair, I like your hair" when pushed, yes PUSHED, to say sth he liked about me..

goody, going to cry to bed now. bye bye

Aren't I drama queen?

But candace's eyes...oh. he went "damn those eyes ;)" and a wink.

Blah blah, just feeling shitty.

I supposed untill I like myself I wont be happy..

But Abdi tells me every day I'm a godess in his eyes, he knows about Isa and still says it. He makes me feel good. It's like, I feel pretty.. wow aren't I shallow.

And I'm still this FAT BLOB!! I hate meeeeeeeeeeeee.....

Oh God what is wrong with me, I should be happy...
But look at what it came down to again, I'm disgusting.
If I were beautiful Isa wouldn't have another account where he says he is "single"

Why would anyone be proud of me? really, why?

Yesterday night i went out and run into my friend Rodrigo, he is one of my bestest friends, and I was about to leave so he hugs me in the middle of the bar really tight and tells me, "let's make everyone jealous".. I laughed, smile and left. But it made me happy, that made me happy...
Why can't I be like that everyday? Why can't I live like a normal girl. When i go out i rule out already that I'm the ugliest out there. That's a given. so if anyone makes the slightest hint that they think I'm pretty I just get happy. That's all it takes.

It's also one of the things I cry the most about, my disgusting self. And it doesn't how much I try I can't change it. I've been tryung since I'm 12 years old, and I'm just tired. I can't take it anymore. Going out to the street and..seeing my reflection on a window it's like...a shot to the heart.

ahahaha, man, kill me

guess who..

2004-12-05T02:59:00.000-03:00

"the lion" I'm alright dude, I don't know If you keep reading this but I'm alright :)

I'm actually happy.
My sweety and I are alright, he is treating me like a queen these days and I couldn't feel more loved... I know I'm not exactly a godess or anything but he makes me feel like that.

My friends and I are also alright, we've been talking, going out, geting wasted and tearing a bit but over all it's just life.

I don't feel as depressed and I'm hoping to keep it that way, maybe staying away from this blog helped me, cause somehow, whenever I came in here I started talking and talking about the shitty stuff about my life. Thought later that venting might help, but it just left heart broken and lonely.

So I'll try posting If I see I can stay away from things that make me sad.

And If I'm back to writing about my shitty part of my life then I'll know sth is wrong..

edit: pic out

bleh

2004-11-13T15:28:00.000-03:00

I sure do know how to screw things up.

I'm engaged!!!!!!!

2004-11-11T19:19:00.000-03:00

I've had the most happy...amazingly happy last days. 2 last days to be exact.

*clears voice*

I'm getting Married!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm enganged :)

My baby proposed November 10th.

FUCK OFF WORLD; HAPPYNESS IS MINE. And i'll take advantage of this moment, i'll burn it on my mind, and I'll thrib on it.

"About heroes and graves" By Ernesto Sábato.

2004-11-09T22:37:00.000-03:00

I once read a book, amazing really... in one page..and just one paragraph of the whole book "Bruno" (main character) says something like:

"hapyness is not what we expect it to be, to feel all warm and shinny inside forever.. to be like in the movies whith those endings where they hold hands and look into a sunset and know everything is going to be alright. Hapyness is not a whole, but moments. Moments that come and go, when we have to feel it at our most. And us humans keep waiting for "it", keep waiting for hapyness to come, feeling anguished and hurt, because that "it" seems so far away. And it's not, cause it's been here, and it will come again..still... if we aren't prepared to understand it, then... we wont even notice it".

Don't know what made me think of the book just now. But, I have to try... try to see it like that, keep waiting for that hour tomorrow wich will make me smile somehow.I feel it, i know it's there, it's a finger... and it will cover up the hole wich keeps pooring blood all over me. It will be my salvation for an hour, it will make me realize I do have my moments of happyness.

I want it.. I think I had it today, it was partialy mixed with a moment of huge pain... but I think it was there. If I could help a someone stop crying then it was there.

Though failure was there as well, to know I lost that person's trust. Then I have lost everything. When i look in me, I still see blood pooring, so I understand.. how could someone trust a heart that bleeds? it's pron to die. Who'd want to believe in that... who'd want to believe in someone like me.

Tomorrow sth has to come..sth..

no title

2004-11-08T16:56:00.000-03:00

I'm geting sick again.

My shrink told me it might happen but I wanted to believe i was stronger than this...turns out i'm not.

Yet... i wont take the pills this time.

What has to come will come.

And I will be left alone, like I was before.

Example a: today.

I am scared, but I finaly have to come to an end.

This one is just for me

2004-11-08T13:44:00.000-03:00

"It won't begin until you make it end

Until you know the how the where and the when

With a new face you might surprise yourself"

Faith No More Last Cup Of Sorrow

This is getting old and so are you

Everything you know and never knew

Will run through your fingers just like sand

- Enjoy it while you can -

Like a snake between two stonesIt itches, in your bones

Take a deep breath and swallow, your sorrow, tomorrow

Raise the cup and let's propose a toast

To the thing that hurts you most

It's your last cup of sorrow

What can you say?Finish it today

It's your last cup of sorrow

So think of me

And get on your way

It won't begin until you make it end

Until you know the how the where and the when

With a new face you might surprise yoursel

fLike a snake between two stonesIt itches, in your bones

Take a deeper breath and swallow, your sorrow, tomorrow

Raise the cup and let's propose a toast

To the thing that hurts you most

Is your last cup of sorrow

What can you say?Finish it today

It's your last cup of sorrow

So think of me

And get on your way

You might surprise yourself

For whoever might want to read about me.

2004-11-06T17:11:00.000-03:00

I don't know where to start, so I'll just start typing and something has to come to mind for the introduction of what I want to say today.
Few people actually care that much about someone else's personal things. I'd like to say friends do, loved ones do, but deep inside you are left alone with what you think. A person is most likely to not have the hability to convey what she/he thinks and feels really. Only partial moments of once reality is perceived by others. I've come to realize I don't even behave the same around different people. One human being makes some parts of my persona come out and another human being makes another part of me come to surface. It's the amount of time you spend with someone that allows you to show your true self, or what's most similar to your true self, because there is always sides of us that we chose to keep private..things we've done maybe, how we've felt, fears, doubts, pretty much the things we ourselves wonder. And that is if you feel comfortable around them. Still... how much does that person want to hear you or is waiting to hear themselves. Few really care.

I used to have a friend, she was my best friend in the world. We met when we were 2, we grew up together, i trusted with my life and I would have done anything for her. Actually, I did everything for her. I'm not saying I lived for her but when she needed sth I'd be there, to defend her, listen, care, love, be quiet or make a fuzz, tell her how things were with no lies no bullshit.
We were best friends from age 2 till 17. That's 15 years of siting next to each other at school, being every afternoon together, fighting or laughing. You'd think she cared, at least half they way I cared. But she didn't. We both had had boyfriends through time, we still kept some space for us, some night durng the weekends to go out and tell each other everything. Damn, after all that time we even had our own language together, people who heard us couldn0t udnerstand a single thing. We used the right words for the wrong things. We always relied on each other.
when we were 17 she got together with this guy, who even i thought was great...I even hooked them up together, he'd ask me to hide letters in her room, i even carried with me a teddy bear inside a fragile box inside a bus for more than 24 hours while we traveled, taking care of it so i could give it to her from him when we arrived in perfect conditions.
Well, they got together of course, one year later slowly she had forgoten about me. I was with my own bf at the time (now ex) I'd tell her that we needed to make some time for us (me and her) and she said of course.. and bla bla bla, she didn't care. At my birthday she came to my house with him. She iasked me to try to talk about regular things, not our inner jokes cause..well..he'd get jealous cause he didn't understand. So i did. She spent an hour with me and left. I was crying when she left.. she knew why but I smiled my bigest smile, and I told her I was so happy she had found some time for me and that I apreciated it so much. She left of course.
Since then she has been away. She has to hold his hand or she can't even speak. She checks with him before looking at me. I've told her about all this of course.. still..nothing. Well good for her. I think it's been months since I've seen her, and it's not like i can really talk to her when we meet. She has put me down every time she had a chance.. because she is now a grown up (at age 20) and i'm still silly cause I go out with some friends to a bar to talk and have some drinks (we don't even get drunk). I'm silly cause I like to laugh. She has put me and the rest of the group down every chance she gets. For halloween me and my friends decided to throw a party. A costume party..(we hadn't had a costume party since we were 11). She inmediatly informed us she wouldnt be atending. Because it was ridiculous for a 20 year old to do such a thing. No no, no party for her.

She was my best friend.. I do have others, but she was the one who knew all about me.
I felt betrayed and discarted. But I wont get into that... even if she does think i' not worth it.

So you see, I'd love to say friends do really care but ... do they?

After I finished high school (for 2 many reasons that i might explain another day) I slowly got depressed. By the begning of this year all i did was cry and be hurt. I trully was hurt...
My friends and I decided to go on holidays together. We went to the beach. It has to be the worst time I've had in my life. I was lonely and cried every day. They eventualy noticed. They wanted to talk about it, they cornered me in a room one night and made me talk about it. So i did..they said they understoon how I felt (they had been doing sth to hurt me .. again i might explain some other day). They said they would change but they didn't.

When we came back i locked myself in my room and for months all i did was cry. (and when i say cry i mean desperate tears, with a wooonded sould, with the bigest pain my heart has ever felt). I broke up at that time with my ex (we had been together for a year and a half) because I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't love him like i did.. but I had been with him for the last half year because I knew that If i left him..I'd be left alone for sure. Who would love me? I felt I was unloveable, ugly, I was a blob in the world. After some corrage I ended it. And i was alone.

I felt so sick and tired that I decided to go to therapy. From some place this smart impulse to want to stop feeling the pain made me go. This person i went to after half an hour tells me "i'm refering you to a psyquiatrist, you need to go right now". So I draged my ugly self to the psyquiatrist. She tells me "you need to start taking pills befoire you do sth stupid". She made me take Zoloft. (Those are antidepressives).
At that point I was going to my psyquiatrist, taking my pills AND going to a psycologist. I had to specialized people diging my brain. One who gave me pills for my heart and one who tried to talk me out of my depression. The pills didn't help much, i came home and my life had no meaning. All i wanted to do was kill myself. I kept thinking "knife". I don't know if i really wanted to kill myslef with a knife, but I know that i wanted to hurt myself. At some points i thought.. "you are nothing, you are a fat girl who makes the world uglier".. at other points i thought "if you hurtself, if u are the one who makes the cuts the you'll control it, it wont be up to destiny or whatever, you can control your pain". I had that knife in my hands so many times. But..a few months earlier I had found only a communitie. Called "Pro ana suicide society". It's for people with eating disorders and whith mental..issues. That site when it started it was pro anorexia, in time it had become about all eating disorders, to give suport to each other in life, and not about wanting to be anorexic..but the name stayed as a tradition. I'm not anorexic, i'm not bulimic, but I do have an eating disorder.... wich i wont talk about now.

God knows what those poeple found in me, but after a month there, just talking to others, they asked me to be a moderator for them. Because.. I might be a piece of shit who is not worth anything..but I still love people, and I want to give them my best. So i became a moderator, andi couldn't take a knife..because everytime I gave advice to someone about not doing it and stoping I kept thinking. "What kind of a person are you that you tell them why not at try to do it youself". So PASS kept me away from it. In there I could be someone else.. I was someone people came for advice and I was... (I still am, I didn't leave PASS) i was..and are.. cared for.
Honeslty, it was pass that made me be ok somedays.

But why PASS and not my friends? Because a month after I was in treatment. I called my friends, I sat them together and I told them I was sorry for being depressed sometimes, I told them I was diagnosed with depression, that was taking pills and I would do my best.
You know what they did? They forgot about me. They left me alone. No one cared really. More months passed by. I was depressed, and when i say it..it's not just "sad".. it's the worst feeling, hopeless, numb, forgoten. Like in a pit full of shit where only I lived.
My friends, weren't really my friends.. and i'm talking about my closes group of girls.. but yeah, no.. no one cared.
My therapist told me.. to let them go..but it hurt.

Now we come to today. I think i'm better somedays, somedays i'm not. I stoped going to therapy cause we started having fights and i realized we have different morals.I stoped taking the pill as well because I've read a lot of studies where it said that antidepressives actually makes people suicidal. Blah.. something must have been better about me that I didn't want to end up killing myself.

I don't know how i am now .....i'm in the middle, not ok, not that depressed.

My friends called me about 2 months ago, they sat near me and asked for forgivness.. they said they didn't know what to do, cause in the past i had always been the strong one between us.
I still can't forgive them about it, but we are together as a group, I still call them my friends, because they are the closes i have to it.

Other factors are in my life, like.. I've met some girls and guys at uni i really care for, I've met people at pass who I love.. my parents and family are actually another factor to hate being alive, but I'll talk about it some other time. I've met someone.. he is what i want. Though sometimes I feel i can't help him.

Some other times I feel he can't help me, cause he doesn't know about me. But at least he cares and loves me.

I can't remember what I was trying to say when i started wrting but. I think i just barely covered 2 years of my life..with just a few aspects of what happened.. but I felt like talking about them. some other time I'll cover abit more about those years, cause a lot has happened...

Well....bye...i guess...

mm yeah

2004-11-04T21:16:00.000-03:00

Easy day, i think i screwed up another exam.. will post the results soon though.
I talked to baby, that was nice, short but nice. Found this at hid guestbook: "Hey babe!! just stopped by to tell ya that ur site is awsome and i love u!!" I wonder about that though.

I took a few pics and played a little with them, i think they ended up nice..

And that's it.

Blah

2004-11-03T22:40:00.000-03:00

Not a good day. Don't feel like talking.

I'll be going off to study in 15 minutes. Been watching the clock and waiting.

It's like a little woond inside.

It'll go away...

My hopes

2004-11-02T18:39:00.001-03:00

.....Isa....
.........................................
I'm going to show him my love everyday, i'll watch him sleep and kiss his cheeks, put the covers in the right place , croll up besides him and just sleep.
I'll be his best friend, a shoulder for when he needs to rest, a couple of arms for when he needs a push forwards and a hiding place for when he wants to be away for a while.
I'm lucky

Please..all of you northamericans.. don't vote for Bush.

Or your brains will end up like this:
http://www.angrymonkey.net/putfileshere/thellamasong.swf

I need to show this:

gkundaground (15:42:56): and i love u with all my heart
gkundaground (15:43:20): u no one day im gonna get down on one knee...u no that...
gkundaground (15:43:44): u no one day im gonna ask you to spend the rest of ur life with me
tayda84 (15:44:35): ......if u do that... i'm gonna cry so much.....
tayda84 (15:45:15): and kiss u..and...and... u know the rest...
gkundaground (15:46:28): i want u damn it...i want to b with u...and im not about to let u go...im not about 2 let u slip away, im not gonna let u leave....
gkundaground (15:47:17): understand that ur the only one that i ever want 2 b with
gkundaground (15:47:28): understand that im not going anywhere
gkundaground (15:47:42): understand that my love for u is endless
tayda84 (15:48:25): hey, made me cry, but this time i like it

Is it evident now why i'm so emotional?

No matter what happens from now on

I've got Isa to be by my side.

I know he'll help me

as much as I want to help him

Anyway, I've studied today..couldn't concentrate that much cause I had other things on my mind. I have to do a paper on semiology but it's 8:50 pm and I really don't want to. I'll probably end it by 3 am or I'll go to sleep soon and wake up in a ridiculous time of the morning (like 3 am if i go now) and try to have it done by 7 am at the LATEST.

I'm also worried cause Isa was very sad today through our entire conversation, and I couldn't make him smile. He wouldn't even show me his face. I suck.

Edit at 11:43

AND THIS FUCKER IS GOING TO END UP RUNNING HALF THE WORLD AGAIN???

http://home.student.uu.se/h/helu1507/Bilder/Bush.My%20king.JPG

why do feelings go up and down..?

2004-11-01T22:11:00.000-03:00

A few hours ago I tried to post my blog but my connection was 2 slow, so i decided to wit a bit till I could do it without problems.

A few hours ago my post was going to start with a big "WOHOOO".. cause my sweety and I talked and we are ok.

But now.. I don't know. I went to his site to post sth at his guestbook.. only to see he has erased me from there. So I wondered... if he had done it anywhere else on the site. I saw his pic gallery. I used to be under "those who love". Now I'm not there. I'm not even as "those who care".

I'm forgetable and erasable.

But he told me he loves me, and I believe him. I'll wait, till he comes back online. Cause he has all the benefits here, I'm not going to say he doesn't love me or that he believes i don't love him. He's got to know that.

Come back sweety.... do sth or explain that before my heart touches the ground.. right now is heading that direction and is around my knees.

God...

2004-11-01T07:37:00.000-03:00

He thinks I broke up with him and that i don't want to talk to him..

I can't reach him.. but he doesn't trusts me anymore..cause i told Tim and he didn't believe it..

I hope I die right now...

Today we are tired

2004-11-01T07:00:00.000-03:00

It seems lately like I'm doing ok. I mean, i'm not feeling as bad as I did a few months ago.. I actually started going out again, and doing things. I'm meeting new people, I'm dancing... like I used to do.. I'm doing what I want and trying to not leting people's eyes harm me. A few months ago I was close to being the 24 hours of they day locked up inside crying. It made me scared, I read somewhere about a phobia that triggered on social enviroments and I could have swored it was me. But yesterday I danced.. i danced with lots of people around, and it felt good again. It felt like it did when i was 14 and my friends and I pushed everyone around, made a circle and danced like crazy girls.. uncoordinated or sexy or just jumping and laughing..

The only bad part is.. that i have no one to share it with. I have my friends, but i can't go to them and tell them "guess what we did yesterday?" ... unless they suffered from alzheimer..wich I don't think they do. Luckyly.

I have Iza, but he is tired sometimes and... can't remember so... when he can't listen to me for wichever reason i'll write it here.

So here it is.. this is the purpose of this blog.. to be sorprised for me, scared, or angry or.. a lot of things i want someone to feel for me. Since i don't always have someone to do that this is going to be the place for it. My blog.

Dear Blog (dear??):

I've been working again with photoshop, I'm geting a bit better at it... I wanted to make a new avy for my siggy at PASS so i asked Machteld to let me use a pic of her eyes. She said "you can use whatever you want of mine, we are one". That made me smile so much, she also said "make something pretty". Now that's where the problems came, cause i don't think i can do pretty yet. Aftera a lot of trials..this was the result:

<>br

Then I post it at PASS and the girls liked it so much that 2 of them asked me to do something like that to their pics. yay :)

Today I also went to the movies and to have lunch with the family cause it's my mom's birthday.. It was a nice afternoon.

After that I waited for Iza, we hadn't spoken to each other in a while.. close to 2 days. So, naturally, I really missed him like crazy. He came online at around..erm..close to 1 am my time i think, perhaps a bit sooner. But he was tired.. so i couldn't really tell him about the party, and how happy I had felt to be able to do the things I used to do again. Pluss 2 friends that live really far away came just for me. I was so touched.. the both had at leas 2 hours by bus just to come to the party, one of them even had to walk for half an hour to get here after the 2 hours by bus. All to be in a party filled with people they don't know.

Somehow, thought, we (my baby and me) ended up having an ugly conversation. Ifelt like he didn't care.. and i know he does. Sometimes I'm so tired to be the one having to be ok, trying to make the other cheer up. I love the trust he gives me when he lets me know his things, and when he shares or lets me be there for him when he cries.. but I want that as well... I want the same. I'm not that strong. And to have someone tell you "yes you are" doesn't help much. Cause aftera all, deep inside, I still feel weak and wanting a prince to come rescue me, to keep me under his arms not leting anyone and anything harm me. I want to be that prince (princess for me).. for my Isa, i want to hold him and make sure nothing makes him sad. But when will it be me the one geting protected? When will it be me the one taken care off..

Anyway, he ended up with the idea that I don't want to be with him. Wich is so stupid.. he just can't realize that I want him to be that prince for me. He can't see that i want him more than anything in the world? He can't.. cause most the times he is tired or sad.

It's 4 minutes till 2 am. And i get up at 6:30 am for class. So this is it for my day.

I just can't believe i cried through the whole conversation again, that I cried through this whole post.. and he thinks i want him away. When it couldn't be furthest from the truth. I love my Iza (Isa, zaya, sweety, hunny, gorgeous,GK, all of him) and I want him to be with me... till I'm an old lady with grey hair and a cane..